No Time to Waist

Hi John, Bill, Dianne. Welcome to the meeting. As you know, the current economy has impacted sales drastically. Even though our addition of high-fructose corn syrup into every facet of the American consumer’s (and, boy, do I mean consumers!) diet is rapidly growing (heh!) our target market, their expanding waistlines serve only to obscure our diminishing sales.

Well, not to worry. Our development team has pulled out all the stops and produced another winning product. Now, Dianne, I see that look of concern on your face. Don’t worry. This doesn’t do anything either, apart from generate sales. We in development know all too well that producing something effective would be detrimental to our entire business model.

You’re all asking yourselves, “but Fred how, oh how, can you top the Hawaii Chair?!”. How indeed! Honestly, though, that particular gem did generate some amazing weight loss. The folks in our sales department were all laughing so hard they couldn’t eat for days. But seriously, who can argue that it wasn’t made of pure win? It had that all important guise of complexity that allowed us to pump up our selling price, and therefore our profit margin to record levels. Our kick-backs from chiropractic doc… doct… (oh, I almost managed to say it without laughing) con-artists was a huge cash cow in and of itself!

We are realistic, of course. Such an alignment of form and dysfunction comes along only once in a lifetime. If I even tried, you’d just tell me to sit on it and rotate. No, we aren’t going to waste our time chasing a fantasy. We’ve decided to take a completely different approach. So, if you’d all turn on your chairs and spin to face the screen, let me introduce you to our next success.

If not down the Hawaii Chair path of higher price, then what? I give you a complete 180. Oh, sorry, Bill. Face back this way. That’s not what I meant. I hardly need to tell any of you the magic price is $19.95. What if I told you that we can push the production costs down to essentially zero? That’s right! What do you get if you combine two sticks, a rubber band, and an old bike seat? I give you… 3 MINUTE LEGS™!

Amazing, is it not? But that’s not all! We’ve broken the unbreakable barrier. Remember this moment, everyone. You’ll be telling your grand kids about this day. FOURTEEN NINETY FIVE!

John? John, are you still with us? Someone get him some water and help him untangle his tie from the his chair. Better unplug that, it’s starting to burn. There you go.

Still not satisfied? What about up-sales, you ask? We’ve thought of that, too. Right this very second Mary, our top engineer, is putting the finishing touches on 3 MINUTE LEGS™ WOBBLY-KNEES. She’s managed to build a massager into the seat cover. I think that’s going to be just the thing to push the magic button. Offer that, and we won’t have to wait long for the customers to start coming.