It’s a simple rule, and one I try to follow. Don’t shop hungry.
Today, I shopped hungry. I was barely past the threshold when I heard the siren call of the junk-food aisle. I had no mast upon which to be tied so did not fare as well as Odysseus. I survived, but not unscathed. My larder is full of lard. Frozen pizza, ramen noodles, nachos, cinnamon rolls in a tube.
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And frozen corn dogs.
Corn dogs. I’ve never had a corn dog. I’ve never wanted a corn dog. Corn dogs are temporary food sold at fair grounds. They are to be eaten by children, then returned as mulch after a particularly vigorous spin on the Tilt-a-Whirl. Yet, I now have a supply of corn dogs.
Some good must come of this, and I’m hungry. I shall feast upon these corn dogs and relate the experience as it happens.
The instructions say to pre-heat the oven to 200°C, then cook from frozen for 15 minutes. Well, that’s about 25 minutes in total. Duration-wise, that’s not exactly the most convenient of convenience foods. I could scratch bake a lasagne in about twice that time, so logic dictates these will be half as good as a lasagne. That bodes well.
Time’s almost up, so I peek in the oven. The smell is sort of over-used oil, abandoned deli meat warming in the sun, and the acrid sour smell of a burning plastic cup. Just like at a fair ground. So far, so good.
I take them out of the oven. They’re sizzling and bubbling on the surface. Clearly I won’t be falling short of my recommended daily allowance of saturated fat on this day. The burned plastic smell has ebbed, so I will be able to get these to my mouth without gagging.
I’ve seen people eating these on television. Fear Factor, I think. I know that you must draw alternating stripes of ketchup and mustard down the length of the dog prior to eating. Emily Post would be proud.
Ok. Not too bad. Kind of crispy on the outside. Fluffy, bordering on doughy on the inside. And a hot dog in the centre.
Edible, and only somewhat unpleasant. The ketchup and mustard are good. The over-used oil taste overwhelms the bland hot dog. It’s hot all the way to the middle, which is nice. I find a lot of “cook from frozen” convenience foods tend to be “eat when mostly not frozen”.
I cooked three, which was a mistake. They’re a bit deceptive. Each bite seems light enough, but they sit and congeal in your stomach. After two, I feel like I’ve eaten several loaves of raw bread dough. I’m not hungry any more.
There we have it. They smell odd when you’re cooking them, taste odd when you’re eating them, and feel odd once you’ve swallowed them. At the end, you are full. I would have the same review if I had cooked and eaten a boot. I won’t be needing to buy those ever again. I do have about 16 more to get through. I have a feeling there isn’t much chance of them going off, even if I stored them on a furnace vent.
February 14th, 2010 | 
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